These jokes have been culled from the newsgroups and elsewhere. I have flagrantly left the sources unascribed. It's funnier that way. Oh, yes, and pace yourself. You can always come back for more.

A lady who was known as Churchill's main rival in parliament was giving a speech. Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his rival, dozed off while the lady was speaking. She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston by yelling, "Mr. Churchill, must you sleep while I talk?" Churchill sleepily replied, "No, ma'am. I do so purely by choice."

Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life."

An old country gentleman and his wife were out driving one day, when a police officer pulled him over. "What seems to be the trouble young man?" asked the old gentleman. As the officer said, "Excuse me sir, but didn't you notice your wife fell out of the car back there?". To which the old gentleman exclaimed, "Thank you son, I thought I went deaf!!!".

An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother's strudel!"

"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."

"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?", the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.

One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.

"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries.

"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."

"How many are there working at your office ?"

"About one third."

"How long have you been working at that office ?"

"Ever since they threatened to fire me."

(Note: In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonalds serves beer.)

A German tourist walks into a McDonalds in New York, and orders a beer. The guy in the line behind him immediately tells him: "They don't serve BEER here, you moron!", to which the German replied in astonishment, "You mean you're here for the food!?"

The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for life. For this task it has a rudimentary nervous system. When it finds its spot and takes root, it doesn't need its brain any more so it eats it. It's rather like getting tenure.

Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. "No" is the answer.

Two Kentuckians were driving a semi down a road when they came to a viaduct. The sign said 10 feet zero inches, so they got out to measure their truck. Unfortunately, the truck was just over 12 feet high. They didn't know what to do, when finally one of them looked both directions and said, "I don't see any cops, let's go for it.!"

A third rate actor is botching Hamlet mercilessly. By the time he gets to the famous "To be or not to Be" soliloquy, the crowd is abusive. They're screaming at him, throwing chairs, fruit, whatever. So at "slings and arrows" he stops, faces the crowd and yells. "WHAT ARE YOU BLAMING ME FOR? I DIDN'T WRITE THIS CRAP!"

Look up in your local phonebook for someone with the surname 'Whitehead'. Phone them.

You: Is that Mr Blackhead?

Them: No - this is Mr Whitehead.

You: Sorry. Wrong zit.

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"

What do you do with a dog with no legs? Take it out for a drag.

At an Oxford college, they were debating what to do with all their money. The concensus was to buy land, since "for the past thousand years, land has proven to be a very wise investment for the college."

The crusty old patriarch piped in, "True, but the past thousand years have been atypical."

There was this magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successfull in his job and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day the captain bought a parrot.

The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squark, "It's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve," or, "It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each time ruining the magician's trick.

Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot and longed to kill it.

Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time.

"Alright I give up....." chirped the parrot, ".....what have you done with the ship?"

I am on a bus. The driver announces that smoking is prohibited and punishable by a fine of several hundred dollars. Suddenly, a baby starts crying. Come on kid, you're only 6 months old, you can make it without a cigarette.

There's a story about some guy who had to go to a boring meeting. While going up alone to the meeting in an elevator, he found that there was no dustbin to dispose of his chewing gum in there. He finally pushed it to the back of the bar you can hold on to while the lift is moving. So he got to the meeting, got everything fixed there, and joined some guys on the way down. All of them were stiffs, not much fun. So when he was standing there, he looked around, and stated in suprise: 'Hey! Look! It's a piece of chewing gum!', and he pulled it off the bar and put it in his mouth. Similarly, another bloke and a buddy of his frequented a bar and pulled a similar prank. They filled a flask (one of those that looks like a cow stomach people use at [American] football games) with this vegetable soup the cafateria used to serve. The stuff was awful and looked like vomit. Anyway, one of them hid this flask under his shirt. When the bartender wasn't watching, he opened the flask and pretended to vomit all over the bar. When the bartender looked over, the other guy picks up a piece of vegatable off the bar and eats it. This reaction caused other people in the bar to blow chunks as well. For some reason they were never allowed back into that bar.

How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine?

It's the one with bite marks on the cap.

An airliner is coming into land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the ILS system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone. "Flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot, "Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in. Hold on." The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway. "Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!" The co-pilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too..."

A fellow walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The proprietor replies, "I'm fresh out, but I DO have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file too much off, or the parakeet will drown when he goes to take a drink of water." The potential customer decides that this is complete bullshit, but thanks the shop owner politely and leaves, sans parakeet. He goes into another pet shop and asks for a canary -- no luck. "But", says the shop owner, "I do have a parakeet, and if you file the beak just so, it can be made to sound just like a canary." He goes on to explain that filing off too much beak will jeopardize the bird's life, due to the potential for drowning when he takes a drink. The fellow finally decides that there is some merit to these claims and buys the parakeet. "Besides", he thinks to himself, "parakeets are much cheaper." His next stop is a hardware store, where he wanders into the file section, holding his recently purchased bird. The owner wanders by and asks of he needs some help. The new bird owner sheepishly explains how he intends to make his parakeet sing like a canary. The hardware store owner knowingly picks up a file and hands it to him. "Here, a Nichols #2 bastard file. But be careful not to file too much off, or the poor beastie might drown." The bird and file owner thanks the hardware store owner and leaves for home.

A few weeks later, the bird owner wanders into the hardware store. The owner, recognizing him, asks how he made out with the parakeet. The fellow looks down and sadly reports "Bird's dead". The hardware store owner shares his sorrow and asks "Filed off too much beak?" To which the former bird owner replies "Nah, he was dead when I took him out of the vise."

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"

"Well," said the doctor raising his voice a little, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."

There once was a man from Yuma,

Who told an elephant joke to a puma,

Now his body lies,

Under the hot desert skies,

For the puma had no sense of huma.

A guy goes into a flag shop and asks for a green union jack. The shop assistant is forced to explain that you only get union jack flags in red white and blue. The man considers this, then says, "I'll have a blue one then."

A patient goes to the doctor, who diagnoses with the aid of a computer. After a long wait, the system comes up with: "There's a lot of it about"

Always behave like a duck: keep calm & unruffled on the surface, but paddle like hell underneath

Also of interest are scientific one-liners of the "Heisenberg may have been here" or "Laminar hydrodynamics is not all plane sailing" genre.

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.

The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken, who puts the previous day's pile of books down on the desk and again squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing with these books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The chicken disappears.

The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken, who squawks (in a rather irritated fashioon, it seems), "Book, book, book, BOOK!" By now, the librarian's curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she gets a pile of books for the chicken, and follows the bird when it leaves the library. She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows. On the other side of the trees is a small marsh. The chicken has stopped on the side of the marsh. The librarian, now really curious, hurries over and sees that there is a small frog next to the chicken, examining each book, one at a time. The librarian comes within earshot just in time to hear the frog saying, "Read it, read it, read it..."

A man walks into a baker's shop:-

"Can I buy a wasp please?"

"Uh, pardon?"

"A wasp. Can I buy a wasp please ?"

"B.. but, we don't sell wasps !"

"Oh. Only there's one in the window......"

So this computer scientist is like a real uptight guy, uncomfortable in his own skin, has a hard time relating to people, you know the type, right? So he's in a bookstore, see's a book called "How to Hug", so he thinks yes, this could really help him. So he buys it, takes it home, starts to read it, and damn it if isn't volume 8 of an encyclopedia!

There was a young man from Saigon

Whose limericks were two lines long.

There was a young man of New York,

Whose limericks never would rhyme.

They didn't scan,

Nor did they have enough lines.

"The word impossible isn't in my dictionary" said Dirk brandishing the abused volume, "in fact everything from herring to marmelade seems to be missing"

An eight year girl is trying to check out a book entitled "Advice for Young Mothers" from the local library.

Librarian: Now why do you want to check out this particular book, dear?

Little girl: I collect moths.

A woman goes into a greengrocer and is looking round anxiously at a pile of oranges.

"Can I help you madam?" asks the shopkeeper.

"Well, I was looking for some fruit for my husband. Have these oranges been treated with any posoinous fertilizer or weedkiller?" she replies.

"No madam, you'll have to get that from the chemist's."

A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmers yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt. The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?" The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car.

While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said OK, he said "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson." With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!"

A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets to her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic fart.

Trying to save face, she says to the waiter, "Sir! Please stop that immediately."

"Certainly, madame," replies the waiter with a bow. "Which way was it headed?"

Two Finns decided that they would have a drinking session. They bought a case of vodka, and one of them opened a bottle, poured out two glasses and said "Cheers!". The other replied "Are we here to drink, or to talk?"

Q. What do you call a fish with no eye?

A. Fsh

(More a verbal joke and you exaggerate "fschhh")

An institution decided to mailshot 2000 of its richest customers, inviting them to buy extra services. One of its computer programmers wrote a program to search through its databases and select its customers automatically. He tested the program with an imaginary customer called Rich Bastard.

Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed "Dear Rich Bastard". The luckless programmer was subsequently sacked."

A C-of-E vicar and a Methodist minister have been having a friendly meeting at the residence of a Catholic priest. As the two start to think about leaving, the priest offers them a whisky to help them on their way.

"Don't mind if I do, thanks." says the vicar, and is given an ample glassful. "And yourself?" says the priest to the methodist minister. "What? Drink alcohol?" says the minister aghast. "Why, I'd rather commit adultery!!". At this the vicar spits his whisky back into the glass: " Wahoa!..., I never realised there was a choice..."

"Good morning, I'd like some talcum powder, please."

"Certainly sir. Please walk this way.

"If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder."

"Good morning, I'd like some rat poison, please."

"I'm sorry sir, we don't sell it. Have you tried Boots?"

"No, poisoning is much more humane than kicking them to death."

Descartes goes into a restaurant and orders a cup of coffee. He sits for a while, drinking his coffee and reading the paper.

A little while later, the waitress comes by and asks him if he would like another cup. He says "I think not" and disappears.

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry." He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:

(95 points) Which tire?

A rabbit came to a shop and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller answered, "Noub!" The next day the rabbit came again and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller retorted, "No!" Next day the rabbit came and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller shouted, "NO! And if you come again and ask for carrots, I'll take nails and hammer you on the wall by your ears!!!!!"

Early the next morning rabbit came back and asked, " Got any nails?" The seller answered, "Noub!" The rabbit asked, "Got any carrots?"