After Wesker gets the worst surprise gift ever (being turned into a tyrant one year early) from Umbrella, it takes maybe a couple of days for someone to notice he’s practically living at the S.T.A.R.S. office.

Because his (very nice) apartment is owned and paid for by Umbrella, so he can’t exactly go back to living there. He’s officially turned over to Chris and Leon’s side and their totally real top secret organization that somehow knows everything and definitely isn’t just the two of them back from the future. So anyway that’s how they fall into that three roommates situation of living together BUT ☝️ Wesker is Full Of Audacity and correctly assumes that nobody in Umbrella would expect him to roll up to his old apartment to grab his shit. He might have lost everything including his sense of self and humanity but he’ll be damned if he’s leaving behind those designer suits and his hideously-expensive-by-the-ounce hair pomade. It’s like helping your friend grab their things from an abusive ex while they’re out of the house. Except that abusive ex is the Umbrella Company.

So yeah they get there with the car and although the place is fancy as fuck, Wesker is depressingly lacking in personal effects. Guy was an orphan who kept getting transferred, and then a scientist who also kept getting transferred, he doesn’t know the meaning of the word settling. Guy was also planning to leave anyway, so he’s got a very convenient suitcase under the bed ready to pack.

While he’s doing that Leon notices the coffee maker in the kitchen. The very fancy, very expensive, very modern (by 90’s standards) coffee maker. And like, Wesker obviously isn’t planning to bring it with him and it’s Umbrella who paid for it but it’s still technically Wesker’s property on paper and — it’s a really good coffee maker. Leon has been inhaling coffee since he’s still technically below the drinking age now.

Jackpot.

All to say, Wesker comes out with a meticulously planned and packed suitcase and Leon is successfully making off with the apartment’s coffee maker. Chris is still questioning how this became his life, keeping watch while Wesker packs and his partner in crime navigates the logistics of sneaking out with a caffeine machine that weighs as much as a rocket launcher. And also not helping either of them, because someone’s got to maintain professionalism here and clearly it’s got to be him. Leon is just a happy raccoon basically, marching out with his spoils. He’s like a dog who found a comically oversized stick. He’s pack bonded to it. He’s treating it like his own child.

Somewhere, some Umbrella operative is breaking the news to the higher-ups that Wesker was in the apartment (they had cameras everywhere. because of course they did.) Someone has to do inventory management and document what was removed. Clothing, personal effects, classified files, research documents, all the expected things. And one fancy-ass coffee maker. Did they at least install a tracker in the appliance? No. No they did not.

This plot bunny has me Googling such delightful things as ‘choking someone from behind with a belt’ and 'strength it would take to strangle a grown man with a belt’ along with 'how strong was William Birkin before he injected himself with the G-virus?’

I said I was going to make Wesker suffer in this time travel fix-it and I’m a bun of my word. also I’ve been suffering a lot. I’m passing it on, really.

Wesker: *more than mildly traumatized by the domino effect of events that occur because of Chris and Leon’s meddling, including being turned into a tyrant against his will, very messily, ahead of schedule. He’s coping very well with this thank you. His desperation to align himself with the strongest available allies is nothing but a stepping stone. A very big. stone.*

Chris: *panicking over the idea that his attempts to save the world from the future has also meant he’s broken Wesker. Accidental pet bioweapon acquisition. Wesker’s taking orders from him and they live together in a three roommates situation because Wesker’s technically homeless now (because of them) and it’s weird. He’s coping with this very well thank you *

Leon *just trying to survive this shit. when did he become the designated adult? shit. he can’t even drink his problems away anymore. Nobody’s going to slip this below-drinking-age, puppy-eyed, baby-faced rookie any of the good booze. He’s not coping with any of this, fuck you.*

The playlist is getting bigger. I’ve succumbed to this bullshit. Fully commited. At least Wesker gets to suffer. Chris and Leon have him fully convinced they’re part of an all-powerful shadow organization and they’re just. not correcting that assumption. he’s losin’ his hecckin marbles trying to figure out how to cover his ass against a threat that doesn’t even have a name while also keeping on their good side and it’s just these two time travelling idiots doing their best to act mysterious.

Just imagine them post their first S.T.A.R.S mission against Umbrella while they’re driving the company out of Racoon City. Wesker’s just coming to terms with, “At least there’s only two of them,” and then even-younger Rebecca shows up because she’s been keeping an eye on this bullshit + decides this has Leon and/or Chris’s particular brand of dumb all over it and rushes to their location, bringing the total number of time travellers Mysterious Organization Members up to three. She shows up and she’s just part of S.T.A.R.S. now. No resume, pointed a gun at the current captain, instant hire. The chain of command is a nostalgic memory; Chris and Leon just become in charge of this operation against Umbrella in everything but title and Wesker is too bewildered/slightly afraid to do anything but let it happen.

In his defense, their recruitment pitch was kidnapping him and keeping him in a basement until they could decide whether he’d be more useful alive or dead, and just casually dropping the ENTIRE lore of Project W on his head like it’s no big deal. They gave him his life-changing identity crisis early. They accidentally terrorised this man without even meaning to. They fight like they’re B.O.W.s themselves. Wesker grew up with a hilariously skewed worldview thanks to Umbrella. You’re useful, or you’re dog food. You follow whoever’s got the most power to give you. They don’t even realise the half of how comically hard he’s trying to sell himself as a useful ally. The power plays go right over their head.

The tldr of this fic; Chris and Leon wake up in the past like a video game reset nobody asked for, casually start fucking shit up, and make one Captain A. Wesker go prematurely grey: the movie.

Also, fuck Umbrella.

I just think it would be funny if present!canon Leon and Chris ended up back in time before the Raccoon City incident, realise each other remembers, and proceed to make that everyone else’s problem. Bonus points if Leon deliberately joins the R.P.D a year early after becoming some kind of prodigy overnight (he’s just thrilled his kneecaps are in so unbonehurty again) and they’re able to drag the whole S.T.A.R.S team into their cryptic save-the-world bullshit, including Captain Wesker. Bait him with reassurance of his imminent failure. Trick him into working for them instead of against them like a goddamn crow trying to solve the water pebble puzzle. Fix-It/Almost Everybody Lives vibes. Jaded combat pros back in their younger bodies with ALL the spoilers in their pockets. EVERYONE can tell something is up but nobody could even begin to fathom the bullshit these two have been through. They miss smartphones.

I just have such a soft spot for that specific flavour of time travel shenanigans where the protagonist is overpowered in skill and knowledge and uses it to satisfying, hilarious, sometimes emotionally devastating results. Running circles around their enemies. Ough I wish I had one of em to sink my teeth into today. Not sure I have enough Resident Evil Knowledge™ stacked up in my brain to make it happen though. I’ve just felt possessed lately.

Canon seems … wiggly.

i should probably mention that I dropped out of the Sonic The Hedgehog 2026 Big Bang event due to irl swinging a wrecking ball at my life. 💔

It really sucked to have to throw in the towel. Writing for this event gave me some of the funniest times of my fanfictionylife and some really awesome moots (hi friendos!!!). Too much stress from too many places this year. I hope I’ll be in a totally different place this time next February, and giving it 101% on my fourth go.

Them’s the breaks.

We ride at dawn next year. o7